I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
