just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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