forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
