Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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