i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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