new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
