There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
