You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
