After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
