i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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