Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
