Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
