Define "chronic" masturbator.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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