You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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