My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
