What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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