I'm so fucking centered right now
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
