Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
