My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
