there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
