I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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