I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
