I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Randomize
