Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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