Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
