I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
