I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
