Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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