And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
