Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
