Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
