I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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