If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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