the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
