Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
