I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
