i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
