nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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