Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
