do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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