I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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