drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
