Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
