I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
