Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
worst night to have a conscience
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
