Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
