I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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