i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
