She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
