you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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