I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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