i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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