can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
